A Light in the Darkness

With Advent coming up at the end of November, I just thought I'd share this little book I made for a personal home Advent practice for Gnostics. There's a blessing for the wreath before Advent begins, and then prayers and meditations for each Sunday of Advent. It should prove useful to myself, and I hope it can be useful to others as well!

A Light in the Darkness: a home Advent practice for Gnostics

I'm also working on book on the Chaplet of St. Michael the Archangel, which will include, in addition to the chaplet itself, lots of information on the 9 choirs of angels; information on the traditional 7 archangels that rule the days of the week (as recognized by the Orthodox Church), with special attention to the 4 main archangels which Gnostics honor liturgically four times a year (Michael, Gabriel, Raphael and Uriel); and a section of diverse angelic prayers, including the prayers of the St. Michael Chaplet in English and Latin, novenas, litanies, and many other prayers. The book will be a bit longer than the Rosary and Advent books I made, and will be pocket sized... So if you're interested in learn how to honor the 9 choirs of angels with this beautiful chaplet, look for a link coming soon! The version of the chaplet given in the book will, of course, be geared toward Gnostics; but if you're interested in learning about the traditional Catholic version, here's a link for you:

Chaplet of St. Michael the Archangel

One of my favorite quotes from Blessed Pier-Giorgio Frassati

"To live without faith, without a patrimony to defend, without a steady struggle for truth -- that is not living, but existing."
- Pier-Giorgio Frassati

I recently reconnected with an old friend from my parish back home. It's funny because it sounds like we've been having the same sort of faith journey over the course of the last year, and only just now found someone else to talk about it with. She's married, but has been feeling more and more drawn toward religious life, although she's not sure how she'll be able to fulfill that as a married Catholic. We were both expressing our frustration at having no one to really talk about our spirituality with. Her husband isn't religious, and as I told her, most of my friends are atheists.

I love my friends, but it gets more and more difficult to talk with them, as I continue my spiritual practice, and deepen my Gnosis. They try to be respectful of my beliefs, but every so often they'll comment on how stupid and naive Christians are, or followers of any religion, really -- and then they quickly add, "I don't mean you!"

I don't believe in proselytizing, so I would never dream of trying to convert anyone to my religion... we all have our own path in life. I tend to follow St. Francis of Assisi's advice to "preach the gospel at all times -- if necessary, use words."

But I do feel sorry for my atheist friends... and I'm sure the feeling is mutual. I can't see any reason to continue living, if this life is all there is. I know that sounds kind of depressing, but it's true! If this is all there is, non-existence seems a lot more appealing to me than having to get up and go to work everyday, just to be able to pay the bills and feed myself, and stress out when I'm low on money!

I have to believe there's a point to all this -- this life -- this existence. And yes, honestly, sometimes I think to myself, What if my friends are right? What if there is nothing other than this life? I guess we'll all find out sooner or later, haha!

But then I think that there is strong evidence for existence after death -- just watch Ghost Hunters on the Sci-Fi channel sometime! And if life after death is real, what else is out there? I know science has made a lot of huge advances in the last 100 years, but we still don't know everything! And I think the second anyone starts thinking they do know everything, evolution ceases! There's always more to learn and discover. Just because something doesn't fit one's worldview, it's not reason to dismiss it. The idea that the earth was round was considered heresy at first, just because people couldn't easily perceive it.

Atheists are becoming more and more like their fanatical Christian counterparts... completely unreceptive to any view but their own.

I fully admit that my worldview may be completely wrong! But that isn't the point. Being right or wrong makes no difference to me, because either way, Christian philosophy teaches me how to be a decent human being. And by "Christian philosophy," I'm not talking about believing that Jesus died for our sins, so we can go to heaven. To me, that's not the gospel message -- and anyone who says it is is deluding themselves. Christ taught us that the Kingdom of God is all around us; and that if that's true, then we need to start acting like it. That's the gospel, to me... that's the good news. His Law of Love is the natural response, once you learn that the Kingdom of Heaven "is with you and outside of you."

I think I've completely gotten away from the original point of this post... But if anyone actually reads this, I say to you: look deep within yourself, and discover who you truly are -- and then act on it. Make your life a living gospel -- Love your neighbor as yourself, do what you can to help others in need, put others' needs before your own -- and the Kingdom will be made manifest in you, whether you're a Hindu, or a Buddhist, a Taoist, a Muslim, a Jew, a Christian, a Wiccan, a Baha'i, or a little bit of everything!

Peace!

Slacking off!

Okay, I'll admit it... I've gotten just as lax in my spiritual practice as I have been in keeping up with this blog! While I've still been trying to pray at least part of the Divine Office each day, I haven't been keeping up with my practice of praying Vigils, Lauds, Sext, Vespers, and Compline everyday. Nor have I been going to weekday Masses as often (which is due in large part to the fact that it's summer, and I don't handle the heat well at all). And my meditation practice -- well, let's not even go there. :-/ But I am starting to get back on track again, so all is not lost.

This is why I want to live in a monastery, haha! In a monastery, you have other people around to help keep each other on track when you get lazy. Once you start slacking off, it gets harder and harder to get back on track, especially when you're the only one there.

I have, however, been pretty good about keeping up with my spiritual reading.. so that's good. :) I've been working my way through the Bible, actually. At first, I started off with a reading schedule I found online to read the Bible in a year. So I started with Genesis, and then decided I could easily read both the Old and New Testaments at the same time.. So now I've been keeping the old schedule for the OT, and a 3 month schedule for the NT. And I'm actually a bit ahead of schedule!

As of today, I've read through chapter 11 of Deuteronomy, and to be honest, I've really found the Torah hard to stomach. Aside from most of it being lists of genealogies, and directions on how to properly sacrifice animals (which is just not my bag!), this God character is just plain evil! He kills off a lot of people, or has the Jews kill them and take their land. He ordered the Jews to stone a man to death for collecting firewood on the sabbath. In one place, he told them to kill all the men and children in the land, but keep the women "who had not known men intimately" for themselves. It makes me wonder why anyone would worship this deity -- except perhaps out of fear.

But(!), I've also been reading a book on the Zohar, a central text of the Kabbalah. Looking at the more esoteric interpretations of the Torah has helped me to appreciate it a bit more. I'm actually enjoying the OT now.

And the NT, most of which I've read before, is a joy to read.

Once I've read through the Bible, I plan to read through the entire Pistis Sophia.

One of my pet projects has been a personal prayerbook. I got tired of carrying around several books with me when I'd go to church.. Or I'd be sitting there before Mass, and realise I had forgotten a particular book I really wanted to use. So this book, once it's finished, will be quite handy. I've literally put in everything but the kitchen sink! There are Gnostic prayers; Catholic prayers; prayers to various different saints; several different rosaries and chaplets; prayers for the dead; the Marian Rosary in English, Latin, French, and Esperanto; prayers from other major religions of the world; alchemical prayers; Hoodoo prayers and rituals; practices for Advent, Christmas, Lent, and Easter; and much, much more! I'm really looking forward to finishing it. I plan on giving it a very plain and simple cover, so that I can use it at both the Catholic Church and the Gnostic Church without attracting attention to it.

The Bread of Life

I've been keeping a list of topics I'd like to blog on, but today I feel compelled to ignore that list and write about the Eucharist!

Most people who know me know that I came to Gnosticism via Catholicism and Wicca. But I wasn't raised Catholic -- I converted when I was 18, and consider myself very much a Catholic to this day. I was raised in the Church of the Nazarene, an evangelical church; my parents are strong fundamentalists (although my mom's a little more open-minded than my dad). Growing up in the Nazarene Church, we had communion maybe 4 or 5 times a year. It was considered a "special" occasion, too special to be done every single week. And while it was a very solemn occasion, it was still seen as nothing more than a memorial of Christ's death -- something to do in memory of Him.

I had never even heard of a belief in the Real Presence. In fact, I remember the first time I encountered this belief, I thought it was the most ridiculous thing I'd ever heard! When I was about 14 or 15, I told my mom I wanted to become Catholic. And so she made me read a book called Why I'm a Nazarene, and Not a... The book contained chapters on several different Christian denominations, listing their particular beliefs, and cited scripture references to "prove" why a real Christian would never believe in such things. I read the chapter on Catholicism, and I found myself agreeing with everything it said Catholics believed, until I got to the bit about them believing the bread and wine actually become the body and blood of Christ at the words of consecration. I ran out and told my mom, "Wow, they seriously think the bread and wine turn into Jesus!" and we laughed about it.

It wasn't until I'd been going to the Catholic Church for a while, that I started to give the Real Presence serious consideration. And now, it's the reason I go to daily Mass! I can't get enough of the Eucharist!

What completely changed my mind was reading a response to a Protestant ridiculing the belief in the Real Presence by a Catholic apologist. He pointed out John 6:51-59, where Jesus is speaking his to his followers right before the Passover, saying:

I am the living bread which came down from heaven. If any man eat of this bread, he shall live for ever; and the bread that I will give, is my flesh, for the life of the world. The Jews therefore strove among themselves, saying: How can this man give us his flesh to eat?
Then Jesus said to them: Amen, amen I say unto you: Except you eat the flesh of the Son of man, and drink his blood, you shall not have life in you. He that eateth my flesh, and drinketh my blood, hath everlasting life: and I will raise him up in the last day. For my flesh is meat indeed: and my blood is drink indeed. He that eateth my flesh, and drinketh my blood, abideth in me, and I in him. As the living Father hath sent me, and I live by the Father; so he that eateth me, the same also shall live by me. This is the bread that came down from heaven. Not as your fathers did eat manna, and are dead. He that eateth this bread, shall live for ever.

This turned a lot of people off to him. Jews have specific laws against drinking blood, and of course what Jesus was talking about amounted to cannibalism. But when people started leaving, he didn't try to bring them back, and he didn't correct himself and say, "You guys, I didn't mean you literally have to eat me, it's a metaphor." No, he emphasized his point. In fact, the word translated here as eat is actually better translated gnaw: "Unless you gnaw the flesh of the Son of Man, you have no life in you."

He obviously didn't mean this metaphorically. Everywhere else, when he speaks in parables and metaphors, he clarifies his meaning when people don't understand him. He doesn't do that here, which makes me think he meant what he said quite literally!

I can just imagine the apostles making the connection the next day when, after the Passover meal, he took bread, blessed it, and said, "Take this all of you and at eat it, this is my body." Like a light-bulb turning on in their heads (or maybe at that time a candle!), they probably suddenly thought, "Oh, this is what he was talking about!"

In high school, I always enjoyed receiving communion, but even though I believed in the Real Presence, I guess I didn't give it much thought... it didn't really occur to me what that meant. To be honest, I was never terribly reverent at Mass... My friend Robby and I used to sit toward the front of the church so we could check out the cute guys as they came up for communion! But now, every time I'm at Mass, I'm in such awe over the Eucharist.

I've been watching a series on the Eucharist on EWTN, and one of the quotes from Fr. Benedict Groeschel that's repeated at the beginning of every show, is that when we participate in the Eucharist, we participate in an absolute miracle. Now I think about that at every single Mass... We take something as ordinary as bread and wine, and through the faith and prayer of the priest (and the congregation), it's alchemically changed into something Divine. We are in the physical presence of God. He's not just there being His usual omnipresent self -- no, He's right there on the altar, where we can see Him. And not only do we get to bask in His presence, but we get to receive Him into our bodies in a most intimate and personal way, where He can transform us in a very direct way.

The more frequently I receive the Eucharist, the more I find myself needing it.. yearning for it.. looking forward to it throughout the day. I used to feel lucky when I actually made it to Mass on a Sunday, and now I actually feel bad if I don't get to go to Mass sometime during the week. Even on days when I'm complete exhausted after work, and don't really feel like taking the time to go to Mass, I feel something drawing me there anyway -- and I usually find that the days I don't feel like going to Mass are the days I end up enjoying Mass the most. No matter how terrible my day has been, I can always end it with that incredible encounter with Christ, and allow Him to heal all the bumps and bruises from the day. As food nourishes my body, the Eucharist nourishes my soul.

My patron Pier Giorgio Frassati, who had a strong devotion to the Eucharist, said: "With all the strength of my soul I urge you young people to approach the Communion table as often as you can. Feed on this bread of angels whence you will draw all the energy you need to fight inner battles. Because true happiness, dear friends, does not consist in the pleasures of the world or in earthly things, but in peace of conscience, which we have only if we are pure in heart and mind."

Pax

OSE Rule

Here is a copy of the Rule of the Order of St. Esclarmonde, written by the Very Rev. Father Jordan Stratford+, OSE & Rev. Mother Marsha Emrick+, OSE. This picture is my own design, just because I was feeling artsy. :)

I'm planning on blogging on my own personal understanding of the Rule in the very near future, but for right now, I thought I'd post the Rule in its entirety.

Pax!

A Frequently Asked Question:

Did you take vows of poverty, chastity, and obedience?

In short, no.

The vows I took, as outlined in the Rule of the Order of St. Esclarmonde are:

• To abide by the common Rule of the Order of Saint Esclarmonde; in listening, intention, waking, mindfulness, stillness, and compassion.
• To contemplate scripture that I may deepen my understanding.
• To practice hospitality to all I meet.
• To treat each member of the Community of Esclarmonde with love and respect as a brother or sister in Gnosis.
• To be accountable for my actions and to make amends to those who I cause harm.

I think in a future entry, I will elaborate on the 6 points of of the Rule, as given at the top of this list. But as you can see, the vows we take in the OSE leave considerable room for personal liberty. In fact, as our abbess often jokes, "They're more like guidelines than actual rules." ;)

Now, having said this, back to the original question. While I haven't made vows to follow the evangelical counsels of poverty, chastity, and obedience, I choose to honor them. Does this mean that I think everyone should follow them? Certainly not! As Christ says in the Gospel of Matthew, "Let anyone accept this who can." The counsels aren't for everyone, but for those who desire to become "perfect." In fact, I think it's entirely possible to welcome married couples into a monastery to work and pray right alongside monastics who have chosen to remain single, "for the sake of the Kingdom." I think in a monastic community, it would ultimately be up to the members themselves to decide as a group which ascetic practices the community should observe.

In choosing to live in poverty, I have not literally given away everything I own, as Christ suggests in the Gospels. The fact is, I live alone, and there are certain necessities I must have in order to live. In a community, all property is held in common; but as a hermit, that's simply not a possibility for me. However, the spirit of poverty is really the ultimate expression of charity. I might not own nothing, but what I do own, I'm willing to part with if I encounter someone in need. The things of this world are only temporary, and so I remain detached from them.

And now the popular question of celibacy. Just as nuns are called brides of Christ (the ultimate reason for their celibacy), I'm privileged as a Gnostic monk to be a bridegroom of Sophia. My choice to remain single and practice chastity has several benefits -- some of which I'm still discovering. The first, and most obvious benefit is that the focus of my life is not divided; I am free to keep my focus on God, without distraction. I'm free to "pray without ceasing," because everything I do is literally an act of prayer. Another benefit of chastity is that I'm blessed with solitude. I'm free to "go into my inner room" when I pray, without fear of being interrupted (although to be honest, I think I need to explain this to my cat!). Yes, sometimes my solitude can be lonely -- moments of depression are natural for the hermit. But they pass. With prayer, meditation, and even reading articles by hermits on various eremitic websites, melancholy passes. Another benefit is that it is an exercise in asserting one's will over the body. It's certainly not always easy -- but the practice of asserting your will is quite beneficial. Every Sunday at Mass, there's a line in the liturgy where the priest encourages to "win the victory over [our] lower selves." What better way to win that victory than through practice? I always think of this each year at the beginning of Lent, when I choose something to give up (or even, something to add!). As a Gnostic, it's not so much about depriving myself of something as an act of penance for my sins -- it's about asserting my will. Simply put, I give up something because I decide to do so -- period. Of course ultimately, I'm only human, and human will is ever imperfect. So in the end, my will is nothing compared to the Divine Will. It's truly through the grace of God that I am able to keep this, or any other of my vows.

The vow of obedience is in some ways the simplest vow to describe, and yet it's very complex. I'm obedient the Rule, of course. I'm obedient to the Word of God. In a monastery, obedience usually means obedience to the abbot -- but living on my own, there's really no one I have to answer to other than myself. I think that's where listening (the first guideline in the Rule!) comes into play -- listening to the Holy Spirit -- and heeding Her advice. She often speaks in different ways: sometimes it's when I just happen to read a verse from scripture that seems to be speaking directly to me and my situation at that time; other times it's my conscience, or simply a "feeling," perhaps a coincidence that seems almost planned. I guess I could say, true obedience for the Gnostic monk, is obedience to one's Gnosis. When you have true Knowledge of God -- intimate acquaintance with Him -- you can't help but be obedient to the Divine Will. Your will is God's Will, and God's Will is your will. To go against it would be -- heresy!

And now, back to work! Pax et lux.

Pearls

Last Sunday's gospel reading really spoke to me. I've read it so many times before, but last Sunday, it was like hearing it for the first time -- the meaning really moved me. It was a passage from the Gospel of Philip:

When the pearl is cast down into the mud it does not become dishonored the more, nor if it is anointed with balsam oil will it become more precious. But it has its worth in the eyes of its owner at all times. So with the Sons of God wherever they may be. For they have the value in the eyes of their Father.

The message is really very simple: no matter what we do -- no matter how terrible it may be, or how much we may beat ourselves up -- when we've reached the absolute lowest point in our lives -- there's still that beautiful pearl within us.

Gnostic scripture teaches us that we all have a divine spark within us, that small part of ourselves that is still connected with the Father. We might forget about it consciously... some even deny it altogether... but that part of us always remembers. It knows where it came from, and it knows where it is going. And there's absolutely nothing we can do that will ever make it less than perfect in the eyes of God.

Of course, the opposite is also true.. no matter what we do to make ourselves look good on the outside; no matter the image we try to project to the world -- whether it's a billionaire trying to flaunt his wealth, or gangsta trying to intimidate his enemies --there's still that eternal spark within us that never changes.

Well, these are just some random thoughts... I'd love to tie all this up with an eloquently written conclusion -- but unfortunately, I don't have one, haha! And now I need to go pray Vespers, because I'm terribly late; and gather my candles for the Candlemas blessing tomorrow.

Pax et lux!